AnnaN for Max ~ What is Really Happening (28.07.2017)

Sometimes I have days where I let my soul speak through my heart. Tonight is this kind of time. I wonder what is happiness and why are we really here? Dear God, can you give us the answer  please ’cause sometimes I can’t anymore. I can’t look around and pretend that I don’t see the pain around me. And why it hurts so much.

Why me?…My life is beautiful and so what? I always choose what I want. I feel that Angels are by me. I have high empathy but it’s my curse. I had a hard childhood but it’s okay because I could see what is good and what isn’t. I had the most mentally strong grandfather, he was my biggest hero! I had a father that taught me that nobody is perfect.  That people can give up. That people can be weak and have problems with alcohol because of their weakness. I miss my grandfather and my father. They passed away. My grandfather taught me to not give up and do what I love.- no matter what. I really miss them. Two distinct people and two so different characters.  I think about them almost every day through the years… I light up the candles because I feel they are with me and they need the light from my heart and my memories. It’s so real and I feel it so deep inside me, that is even painful (sometimes).

I feel like my soul is crying ’cause of the loss of people that I loved, still love- ’cause death can change nothing- if we love someone truly! And believe me, as much as you love someone, as much as it can hurt you, if this person is no longer here by your side, it tears my heart inside. I’m handling this but for how long?

And sometimes you have this kind of day, like I have tonight, that you ask yourself- why am I here? … and why does life hurt so much? Why can’t I be happy with what I have? I should be happy…but…

You don’t have to know someone to feel some spiritual connection with this person. It means its on the level of heart and soul, that causes these kind of feelings.

The same kind of feeling I have with Max.

He is like my brother, my soul mate. And I miss him in the same way like I miss my grandfather, my father. I wondered why me?… I know the answer but I don’t write it here. You know it too because some of you feel the same way.

And where is the sense of life? I don’t agree that we are here to learn this.  I will never agree with that ’cause it’s not true. I feel it’s not my home, this is not the place where I belong.  I came here to watch the most egotistic place in the Universe! The prison under the veil of black magic, where we have no real free will. This place has its own rules and we can’t change it,  we can’t… but we can try… Always we can try rescue as many people as we can… or give up…

We are just the prisoners of The Hunger Games… I am aware of this BUT do you know how hard it is living with this “truth”? Can you even imagine how hard it is living every day looking around and seeing that we are far away from home- “true home”- and that we have some mission here…and we don’t even know what kind of mission we have here? How can we know? This place doesn’t want us to know…we can just feel it deep inside, that’s all. BUT is it enough to BELIEVE? Oh how strong you have to be to BELIEVE…JUST YOU KNOW THAT…AND MAX KNEW…

Yes, he was a brave man, he not only believed, he carried out his mission and he failed himself that he couldn’t carry out his mission. He tried and did what he could. It’s better than doing nothing. So I feel we should continue it in our own unique way and TRY… just TRY. And you know why he is not still with us? ‘Cause we can’t act alone and he was alone or he chose to act alone.  I think he wanted to protect the people he loved…

Yes when we love someone we want to create the safe place for this person/people… and Max loved us. So he did everything he could for the people around the world. He loved not only his family, friends, he loved everyone and I know it… because I know this kind of feeling very well.

My heart is bleeding and you can’t even imagine, how strong and at the same time painful is this kind of feeling.

If you know this feeling too, then you know how hard it is to live … every day watching innocent people who are suffering around the world. And you want to help but you are powerless because you are ALONE.

Yes we are alone and we must find the strength deep inside ourselves. Deep inside we have a piece of the Universe- yes, it’s the truth! What do we need to activate it? FAITH…BELIEVE… then we are ready to do our mission in this place.

We are ready to get our memories and knowledge back. Max did it all, he passed this way and he felt the strength inside his heart. ..and he made a huge impact on many people. Their lives will never be the same (our lives). He lifted up in us hope, friendship, faith, selflessness, sensitivity. He woke us up to help other people.  How can we help? We don’t have to do huge things. It means you can help through your life: at home, at work, on the street.  Everywhere you are and you see, someone to help. Do you know what is happening when you help? You give the people example and you light up in their hearts the sparkles and flickers of love, empathy and gratitude. You will wake the people up too, because every one of us has his own way to do his mission.

You can be a teacher and help children at school. You can be a doctor and help people in the hospital. You can be a baker and help homeless people. You can work in a corporation and help people to respect one another, trust each other…

I feel our mission is to help people live BETTER. And when I am writing this I feel great relief. This night I was very sad. I feel that it sat heavy on my heart, so I started to write this letter to myself, and you all.

And I miss Max…

Sparkles, flickers of somebody’s JOY, GRATTITUDE, which comes from the soul, next from the heart, through the voice, touch and eyes- it makes us happy.  It’s my happiness… I found it because of you, and you, and you… because I am no longer alone in the Universe, and Max was a person, the first person, the first person after my grandfather, father, who made an impact on me… that I am not alone in this World. He is the person who felt in the same way and saw the same, like me.

Let’s make this place a better place for us  and our children! FOR HUMANITY…

In memory of my soul mate.

AnnaN

P.S. Max thank you, for you know what….

P.P.S. Rosette thank you, for you know what…

P.P.P.S. Vanessa, be proud of yourself,  you know why…

 

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